Dear kk, you are loved more than you will know.

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RIP my first little dude

My Kota love.

Shakota,
For years (14 years and 6 days, to be exact) you loved me. You hated all others who came between me and you, which was EVERYONE, in your eyes. I didn't mind. It made me feel special. I loved how you'd sit behind me in my office chair.

You comfy back there?

You always found a way to be near me or on me, no matter what. Even when I was pregnant, my belly couldn't get in your way.

I love you, mommy.

You played fetch with me with milk jug rings and wadded pieces of paper. Every time I balanced my checkbook, you were right next to me, waiting for me to crinkle a receipt and throw it for you to go fetch.

You sometimes even loved your brother, Mustache.

Brotherly love.

Everyone made fun of your short and crooked tail, but I loved it. It made you unique. It made you different.

You can kind of see my crooked tail....

I will always look for you when I turn on the hair dryer or my electric toothbrush. The sound was a cue for you to come sit on the countertop to get pet while I dried my hair and brushed my teeth. I looked for you this morning. I forgot you were gone.

Yesterday was your last day here. At 1:25, you were put to rest. I wish you had liked Finn. Attacking him and I is what led me to the decision to have you put down. You were not well. Severely diabetic and hating your daily double dose of shots, you had trouble walking and knew your days of alpha male were over. You didn't take this well and turned on everyone in this house, and I'm sad for that. But I know that it's your animal instinct to do so in the wild, because it keeps the others from making you their dinner. I have to remember that you are an animal, and those are your basic instincts. You didn't mean harm to me. And so, I sat with you and held you and told you I was sorry and that I loved you until the doctor said your heart was done beating. I hope you know I was there for you until the end.

True love

I even dug your grave myself. Almost 3 feet deep. I hit a slate deposit and couldn't go further, but you are down deep. I laid a milk jug ring in there for you to play with in heaven. It was very hard placing you in your resting hole. Seeing you down there, I swear I saw you breathing again. It took awhile before I could cover you up with earth. The first shovel of earth over you was the hardest part. It was the last minute I would ever see you here. I miss you already. But I want you to know that I was with you. I stayed through to your last minutes and laid you to rest myself. I did it because I love you.

Now it's your turn to do something for momma. Please find KK and Taffy and lick them for me. Be kind. Don't bite. I took this video of your last moments before taking you into the clinic.

I love you and will forever see your shadow bouncing around this house. I will miss your head butts and your sandpaper kisses. You were my first kiddo, and you will forever have a piece of my heart.

Love always,
Mama

Amen

This is a good thing to remember always. I always quote this to myself when I start to get a little angry at someone I love.


1 Corinthians 13:4–8
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Birthdays....

June 9, 2009....minutes before they took her to open heart surgery.

June 9, 2009....minutes before they took her to open heart surgery.

Two years ago, right now, I was saying goodbye to my little girl. She was on her way to open heart surgery. Little did i know the surgeon I trusted her life with would botch the surgery and leave her lifeless 3 weeks later. My birthday will always be a reminder to hold those I love, near and dear. I miss you, my girl.

I woke up this morning to Finn crying. He couldn't sleep. We both are moody today....and rightfully so. I'm not sure June 9th is such a great day to be born. I used to love my birthday. But now.... Obviously there are issues to work through. Mom, if you're out there and reading this, it'd be really nice to get  "happy birthday" from you this year. It would really mean so much. I can't imagine not doing everything possible to be with my children. I'm not sorry that that is the way I feel. I love you. I love my little girl. I love my family. And I just don't love this day.

Happy raw and emotional birthday to myself. Self pity is allowed on this day for one hour and then NO MORE! :)

In honor of Kaia's birthday

Kaia & Daddy, one week post-op.

My baby girl's 2nd birthday is today. She's celebrating in heaven. I ask that any of you who feel generosity in your hearts, please donate what you would have paid for a gift for her, to the Children's Heart Foundation's Heart Walk in September. I've set up a team and have a donation goal of $2000. We are already at $640! Over 25% there! Even $5 will help. If you feel the movement in your heart, please donate by clicking RIGHT HERE IN THE CAPITALIZED TYPE. When you get to the page, please click either "general team donation" or "stephanie urban" to make your donation. Again, any little bit helps find the cause and cure for these little hearts. There is VERY LITTLE funding to find the cause of CHDs. The American Heart Association, unfortunately doesn't help fund this much. It's our job to step in where the medical industry fails, and find the answers to fix this ongoing issue. One in 100 babies is born with a heart defect, and that number keeps growing. My baby's was due to taking antibiotics in my first trimester. The next baby could be your baby. Let's join together and take the steps to make sure this never happens to another family, down the line.

One love,
Stephanie Urban & Family

Happy birthday baby girl

Dear Kaia,
I miss you! I love you! I want to make those things clear. Papa and I just laid in bed at 9:16 and remembered the moment when you entered our lives. We were so scared, but had no idea the real fear was to come when your heart started to stop. Now it's two years later, and look how much you've grown us! Papa, brother Finny and I are going to the beach today to celebrate you, as a family. You've given us, us. We're a close-knit family of 4 with so much love because of you. I hope to see you there at the beach. I got you cupcakes and pink candles. Are you able to have one? I'll save you the pink cupcake. I cried picking out the candles. How many people have to buy candles for their child's birthday, when their child isn't on earth with them? It breaks my heart that I cannot hug you. It hurts bad. I know you are okay and you are free and happy and that your work here was done. But I will never stop being selfish about wanting you here. I will always miss you. As your mother, you, my baby, will always come first. You are the head of this family, and your little brother is your right hand man. He's kind of taken over the house right now. He kissed your picture this morning when we said happy birthday to you. He's such a sweet soul, and I know you know that. I see him looking at you and laughing. You're a good big sister. Today is your day. Nobody can steal that from you. Do what you please. And if what you please is to visit mommy and family today, then we would love to see you. All my love and adoration and thanks....from the depths of my ever growing heart.

Love, mommy

Photog!

Look at this amazing shot my friend Shannon Miller got of my two main men. She's incredible! Check her out at http://shannonmillerphoto.blogspot.com. She also did the shots from Finn's first photoshoot.

Finn is 9 months!

What fun. Nobody told me it would be this fun to be a parent. Holy moly. So, Finn is crawling like a champ. He's now added cruising to his repertoire. In seconds he's off and pulling himself up on tables and chairs and plants (to my misfortune). He stands well but still has to hold on with at least one hand. Walking is just around the corner. Changing a diaper is next to impossible. This is what I get on the changing table the second I put him down.

Mommy, I'm an acrobat.

He's a very social little dude. He always lunges after his friends and tries to poke their eyes out and pet their heads.

Sweet Rei Rei. I will trick you into liking me by petting your head. And then....

And then I poke your eye out!

We spent last weekend in Cleveland Heights at the Hessler Street Fair. I had a booth there for Little Lion Designs. It was a ton of work to prep for, and we were there from 8am till 10pm both days. Poor Finn went to bed so so late, but he didn't seem to notice. He had a blast. He even played his little bongo (that daddy got him at Christmas) in the drum circle with all the drummers. Here's a pic after he was finished drumming and decided to sit on the sidelines with a ball.

So, he had a blast with all the nice hippies at Hessler! He had his first wave there. I've been trying to teach him to wave for some time now, and he never got it. Then this really sweet old man came to my booth and waved at Finn, and Finn waved back like he'd been doing it forever. Sigh...
Lastly, He LOVES to give high fives. He now throws the ball back to you and loves to play catch!
All he likes to say these days is his Brrrsss brrrrrssss. If you don't know what that is, here's the video.

That's all for this month. It's been the most fun month yet! We wish you all peace and love and serenity in your lives. We are humbled by the blessings in ours.

Happy (belated) Mother's Day!

My weekend started on Friday, when my amazingly awesome stepmom drove here from PA just to spend a few hours with me and Finn. It was such a nice surprise to have her come. She's been such a huge support in my life, and it was so nice to spend part of Mother's Day weekend with her.

Last Mother's Day was hard for me because it was my first Mother's Day, only I didn't have my daughter here on earth. I also didn't get to share the day or any part of it with my stepmom or my real mom, needless to say. I was pretty bummed out the entire day. Of course, this mother's day wasn't short on tears either. I think I might always cry on this day. There will never be a day in the life I have left where I feel complete because such a huge part of me is not here. But making the best of what's left of me, and the new parts that are growing (hi Finn!) is what it's all about now. And let me tell you, even with the huge hole in our lives, we still have such an abundance of smiles, laughter and great times.

After losing Kaia, I kept thinking "how will I ever laugh again?". It seemed impossible. But Finn makes it easy to laugh. And my loving husband is amazing and gets more incredible every day. I couldn't feel more blessed, and I couldn't be in a better place that I am now. And tomorrow, I hope to say the same thing.

Sunday started with flowers, and Eric made me breakfast in bed. He then took me and Finn to the Metroparks for a picnic. The grass hasn't been mowed yet. So, it was tall and full of dandelions. It was beautiful! Got some great pics of Finn.

Dandelion, dandylion, you're so dandy!

Can I play with these, Mom?

Must. Have. Dandelion. Roar!

Super chubbalicious and squishalicious!

Darn grass poked me in the eye. I shall pull you now.

Oh. You. Smell. So. Gooooooooooooooood.

Lovin' mother earth.

I'm off to explore through the grass jungle!

Mama and Finn, sittin' in a tree....

After our picnic, we went out for sushi. Then it was bedtime for the Finn and relaxation time for mama. Eric did everything for me that day. I was in heaven. Thank you, my family, for making me such a happy mom. And thank you, Finn and Kaia, for making me a great mom, too. You kids are my everything.... with a papa to boot.....

Happy Mom's Day to all of you amazing mommies!

8 months is super fun!

Finn turned 8 months on Saturday. We spent the day in Pennsylvania at my Aunt Jodi's house. Finn's two cousins, Lilly and Tyler, were there. It was such a nice day with family, and it went way too fast. Here's some pics!

The newbie, Lilly. This is my cousin Beth's daughter.

Gram, Lilly & I.

Finn's first Easter egg. He tried to eat it.

Finn likes to make kissy faces and drool. He smudged the camera lense with his drooly finglette. Thanks, buddy!

Finn singing baritone.

Life is all about the oooh ooohs and the ahhh ahhhs.

Cousin Chad is Finn's newest buddy.

Those are all the pics we got. I never remember to take pics with both the grandparents. AND, both of Finn's great Grandparents were there, and I forgot to take that pic too! Someone help my memory. I need Ginko Biloba. ;)

So much has happened in the last month. Finn is making all kinds of fun noises. He loves to click his tongue and call the cats over.  He smiles so big every time he looks at me or Eric. He's such a sweet sweet little boy.

He also loves bathtime! The waterfall is his favorite of all!

Crawling is now his expertise. He's super fast. He craweled from the living room to the kitchen (3 rooms away) in a matter of minutes today. Time to child proof! He loves anything electronic that he's not allowed to have....phones, DVR, remotes, ipods, etc etc. He's very attracted to anything black.
One of the cutest things he does right now is high fives. He LOVES to high five and giggle. I've yet to get a video of that, but it's coming. He's still playing "Where's Finny", which is a game he made up while on the changing table. He covers his face with nearby items and thinks you can't see him. When I say "Where's Finny?" he quickly moves the item and laughs...."here I am!!!". This kid stuff is too much fun.

His voice changed a little this week. All of a sudden it's a little deeper and huskier. He sounds like a little man.

Sadly, he had his first fall last week too. Apparently we can no longer put Finn on the bed because he wants to lunge off of it. He's okay, but he got a nice first bruise right smack in the middle of his forehead. From here on out, it's floor only!

Oh, he also learned how to do this. Time to lower the crib again?

Uh oh, you caught me.

Look how big I am!

I can make my lips disappear!

Practicing to join the Backstreet Boys. Nice moves.

That's all for now. It's 77 and sunny in Lakewood, and we are going to the lake. Ta ta!