Thursday, June 16, 2011

RIP my first little dude

My Kota love.
For years (14 years and 6 days, to be exact) you loved me. You hated all others who came between me and you, which was EVERYONE, in your eyes. I didn't mind. It made me feel special. I loved how you'd sit behind me in my office chair.
You comfy back there?
You always found a way to be near me or on me, no matter what. Even when I was pregnant, my belly couldn't get in your way.
I love you, mommy.
You played fetch with me with milk jug rings and wadded pieces of paper. Every time I balanced my checkbook, you were right next to me, waiting for me to crinkle a receipt and throw it for you to go fetch.

You sometimes even loved your brother, Mustache.
Brotherly love.
Everyone made fun of your short and crooked tail, but I loved it. It made you unique. It made you different.
You can kind of see my crooked tail....

I will always look for you when I turn on the hair dryer or my electric toothbrush. The sound was a cue for you to come sit on the countertop to get pet while I dried my hair and brushed my teeth. I looked for you this morning. I forgot you were gone.

Yesterday was your last day here. At 1:25, you were put to rest. I wish you had liked Finn. Attacking him and I is what led me to the decision to have you put down. You were not well. Severely diabetic and hating your daily double dose of shots, you had trouble walking and knew your days of alpha male were over. You didn't take this well and turned on everyone in this house, and I'm sad for that. But I know that it's your animal instinct to do so in the wild, because it keeps the others from making you their dinner. I have to remember that you are an animal, and those are your basic instincts. You didn't mean harm to me. And so, I sat with you and held you and told you I was sorry and that I loved you until the doctor said your heart was done beating. I hope you know I was there for you until the end.

True love
I even dug your grave myself. Almost 3 feet deep. I hit a slate deposit and couldn't go further, but you are down deep. I laid a milk jug ring in there for you to play with in heaven. It was very hard placing you in your resting hole. Seeing you down there, I swear I saw you breathing again. It took awhile before I could cover you up with earth. The first shovel of earth over you was the hardest part. It was the last minute I would ever see you here. I miss you already. But I want you to know that I was with you. I stayed through to your last minutes and laid you to rest myself. I did it because I love you.

Now it's your turn to do something for momma. Please find KK and Taffy and lick them for me. Be kind. Don't bite. I took this video of your last moments before taking you into the clinic.

I love you and will forever see your shadow bouncing around this house. I will miss your head butts and your sandpaper kisses. You were my first kiddo, and you will forever have a piece of my heart.

Love always,

Friday, June 10, 2011


This is a good thing to remember always. I always quote this to myself when I start to get a little angry at someone I love.

1 Corinthians 13:4–8
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Thursday, June 9, 2011


June 9, 2009....minutes before they took her to open heart surgery.

June 9, 2009....minutes before they took her to open heart surgery.

Two years ago, right now, I was saying goodbye to my little girl. She was on her way to open heart surgery. Little did i know the surgeon I trusted her life with would botch the surgery and leave her lifeless 3 weeks later. My birthday will always be a reminder to hold those I love, near and dear. I miss you, my girl.

I woke up this morning to Finn crying. He couldn't sleep. We both are moody today....and rightfully so. I'm not sure June 9th is such a great day to be born. I used to love my birthday. But now.... Obviously there are issues to work through. Mom, if you're out there and reading this, it'd be really nice to get  "happy birthday" from you this year. It would really mean so much. I can't imagine not doing everything possible to be with my children. I'm not sorry that that is the way I feel. I love you. I love my little girl. I love my family. And I just don't love this day.

Happy raw and emotional birthday to myself. Self pity is allowed on this day for one hour and then NO MORE! :)