It's been a long time since I've posted anything. It's funny to me that my old blog (outofhabit.com....now extinct, thus outofanewhabit's creation) ended with a bunch of posts that started with "it's been a long time since i've posted anything". But, I won't let this one die. I swear.
It seems to be a year of extreme challenges. First, Eric lost his job. Then Kaia was born, and she moved onto her next life. Then my mom got cancer. Then my Grandpa ended up in the hospital (still there) and almost died. And now, I've lost my job, along with all the other designers at Advanstar. I'm not really sure at all why all of this is being put on us this year. It really is making me question things. I was asked last week how I keep on smiling. All I can say to that is, there has got to be a bigger plan. I can't worry about it or be angry, because anger isn't going to get me a job nor would it do so much for my marriage.
I have to remember my blessings.
The day I got laid off, I came home to a chilled bottle of white, a nice bottle of red, and two chilled shots of patron (tequila for all you non-drinkers). My husband knew I'd need a little mood chiller. He wasn't upset, nor did he let his concern show through. He simply said "yay, now we can spend more time together." I am blessed. He teaches me daily how to let it roll off. I swear he's like a good dog...he's always happy and always your friend and always makes you smile, regardless of what the world is putting you through.
So, with that all said, if any of you all know of any jobs out there, be it graphic design or bartending, please let me know. I am anxious to keep working and need it to keep our home and cars. :)
Love you all. Strength to you in your times like these.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
weirdness
The past two days have been really hard for me. Kaia's been on my mind 100% of the time. Sometimes she goes away so I only think of her 25% of the time, but now my mind is heavy with her.
Today I went to my mom's to give her some soup. It was really nice to sit with her and talk. We haven't done that in quite some time, and I realize how much I need it. I feel closer to my daughter sometimes when I am with my mother. When I came home, I finally let go and cried and cried.
For some reason, I decided to, for the first time, go through and read this blog from beginning to the end of Kaia's life. It was joy and sadness....relived.
Here's where the weird comes in. The morning after Kaia passed, I received 6 texts at 9:16 in the morning. All were sent throughout the night but arrived all at 9:16, which was the time of Kaia's birth. I locked all of those messages so I could save them forever. I showed friends and family, so that I could prove this happened. They've been locked on my phone since that morning. Today, they are all gone. All my other locked messages are there, but those are not there. It's like they never existed. At first, I was really sad. I wanted to photograph each of them so that I always had that proof of her saying "mom, sleep tonight. i'll let you know i'm okay at 9:16 am after you've finally gotten your long deserved sleep". I just don't understand where they went or how. Or, did they ever exist? I showed the people that sent me those messages, and they said they sent them way earlier. but, where are they now? Why were only those locked ones the ones that are no longer there? Was it time for them to go and me to move on? How is that possible?
My good friend lent me a book called "hello from heaven". It's about after death communication with your lost loved ones. It has captivated me. And now, I look for signs everywhere. I might be crazy (let's face it, aren't we all?), but I know what I saw, and now they are gone. Today I discovered they were gone, and today I read a chapter that mentioned how our grief and sadness can often keep our loved one from moving on in the after life. Many times a loved one comes back and lets you know you need to let go. Maybe it's time to accept it and move on. Just maybe.
Or maybe verizon thought they should screw me again. ;)
Either way, I thought it was odd, and it kind of brought me a bit of peace. I'm sad that they are gone, but maybe I needed them to be. I saw it, it was there, and there is no reason to keep them. Proof was here, and now it's time to acknowledge it and move on. I realize my pain will never go away, but it is a selfish pain because I wanted her here. But she is in a place that is so much greater and was blessed to be allowed in so early. I know a lot of heart baby moms read this. A lot of you have lost your baby. I encourage you to pick up that book. It changes your idea of death and can open up acceptance of it. I know a lot of you don't believe in this stuff at all, and that's okay too. We all do what we believe is best. We all believe in things that are best for us. It makes us all colorful. And to us spiritual folk, it makes our auras colorful too.
Today I went to my mom's to give her some soup. It was really nice to sit with her and talk. We haven't done that in quite some time, and I realize how much I need it. I feel closer to my daughter sometimes when I am with my mother. When I came home, I finally let go and cried and cried.
For some reason, I decided to, for the first time, go through and read this blog from beginning to the end of Kaia's life. It was joy and sadness....relived.
Here's where the weird comes in. The morning after Kaia passed, I received 6 texts at 9:16 in the morning. All were sent throughout the night but arrived all at 9:16, which was the time of Kaia's birth. I locked all of those messages so I could save them forever. I showed friends and family, so that I could prove this happened. They've been locked on my phone since that morning. Today, they are all gone. All my other locked messages are there, but those are not there. It's like they never existed. At first, I was really sad. I wanted to photograph each of them so that I always had that proof of her saying "mom, sleep tonight. i'll let you know i'm okay at 9:16 am after you've finally gotten your long deserved sleep". I just don't understand where they went or how. Or, did they ever exist? I showed the people that sent me those messages, and they said they sent them way earlier. but, where are they now? Why were only those locked ones the ones that are no longer there? Was it time for them to go and me to move on? How is that possible?
My good friend lent me a book called "hello from heaven". It's about after death communication with your lost loved ones. It has captivated me. And now, I look for signs everywhere. I might be crazy (let's face it, aren't we all?), but I know what I saw, and now they are gone. Today I discovered they were gone, and today I read a chapter that mentioned how our grief and sadness can often keep our loved one from moving on in the after life. Many times a loved one comes back and lets you know you need to let go. Maybe it's time to accept it and move on. Just maybe.
Or maybe verizon thought they should screw me again. ;)
Either way, I thought it was odd, and it kind of brought me a bit of peace. I'm sad that they are gone, but maybe I needed them to be. I saw it, it was there, and there is no reason to keep them. Proof was here, and now it's time to acknowledge it and move on. I realize my pain will never go away, but it is a selfish pain because I wanted her here. But she is in a place that is so much greater and was blessed to be allowed in so early. I know a lot of heart baby moms read this. A lot of you have lost your baby. I encourage you to pick up that book. It changes your idea of death and can open up acceptance of it. I know a lot of you don't believe in this stuff at all, and that's okay too. We all do what we believe is best. We all believe in things that are best for us. It makes us all colorful. And to us spiritual folk, it makes our auras colorful too.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
kitty kitty needs a home
There used to be a girl that lived below us that had this sweet female indoor/outdoor cat. A few weeks after she moved, the cat came back here and lives outside our house, crying to get back in. She must have not liked her new home and traveled back to her old one here. We called the girl that owned her, but she never answered or got back to us. So, this cat is now homeless. I've been trying to feed her when she comes around, which is about once a day. But she really needs a home that she can come inside. We'd take her in if we didn't already have two male cats. She's gorgeous with long dark hair. She's very good with people and loves loves loves to be rubbed. If anyone knows anyone interested in her, please let me know. I really want her to find a home before winter comes. She's pretty skinny, even though I feed her. But I'm guessing she had no food the whole time we were on vacation. I'm trying to fatten her up to survive winter, but I would like to find a place for her before then. Please help. Thank you!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
buyer beware!
a bad pic of the tear and one of several stains:
I would like to ward everyone off from shopping at Blaine Ashley LLC. I ordered two sizes of the same wedding dress from there on a thursday and paid extra for two day air. The dresses never came. After several emails requesting shipping information and a tracking number, she never sent me anything but did drain my account. To pull her heartsrings, I told her about Kaia and our wedding and that was why i needed the dresses. She said she would ship a third dress overnight. I got it and it was stained and torn. She didn't charge me for that third dress, but she used it as "proof that she sent me two dresses". Now I have no dress and am out $352. I tried to file a dispute with paypal, but they "have proof that she shipped me my order". It's so ridiculous. Anyway, please don't shop there. I have filed with the BBB and with an internet crime organization. I'm not going to dwell on it, but here is an open letter to that small little company. It's got a bit of drama to it.....
Dear shopblaineashley.com store,
I have fallen into your web and have been totally taken advantage of by you. You ripped me off of $352 for no reason other than greed. I figured I would give you a little insight about what I've been through this year to show you how evil you truly are. I was due May 19th with our first child. We thought she was healthy and fine. Day three in the hospital, she started having trouble breathing. They rushed her to rainbow babies in cleveland. She was diagnosed with hypoplastic left heart. She had open heart surgery on my birthday, June 9th. That same day, my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 non-hodgekins lymphoma and had to start chemo almost immediately. My daughter and my mother were in the fight for their lives. For 34 days, my husband and I lived at the hospital. We slept on a single couch together the entire time. After 3 arrests, several procedures and several weeks post op, my daughter looked at me, started panting and crying and passed on. There is nothing more painful in all the world as losing a child. To top it off, I'm now still facing losing my mother. The only light in the tunnel was our marriage. After spending so long in a hospital, we needed to get away. My father gave us the money to do so, because we have literally thousands of dollars in medical bills. Kaia came close to totaling 2 million at the hospital. The wedding dress I really wanted was $600, but we couldn't afford it, so, I came to blaine, found this dress and a 30% off coupon and thought I had it made. the dresses never showed up. You acknowledged it to me, knowing that paypal can't use emails as evidence and sent me the "last dress you had" which I'm guessing was yours and you took it from your closet after wearing it several times and sent it to me. You never refunded me the money for the dresses like you said you would. You used that one dress shipment as "proof that you sent me two dresses". When, if i had two dresses, I'd certainly send one back because i would never need two sizes of the same dress. Instead of doing the right thing, you chose to cheat someone. You chose to cheat someone who's had the worst year a human can have. You chose to show me exactly how careless and evil a human can be. You are the epitomy of all that is wrong with this world. I believe in love and caring. I believe in human spirit and helping others. You might think that you have won. But you have not. At the end of the day, you have to live with the guilt of knowing what you did to someone who was so not deserving of your evil. If you have zero heart and an inability to feel guilt, then I do believe in karma's ability to right what is wrong. I believe in the bible and that you get what you give, ten-fold. In the end, you may have gained $352. BUT, I believe your business will lose that times 10 in the future to teach you a lesson. I certainly will never shop there again. The thousands of people I know will never. I will make sure of that. That probably means nothing to you, but I also have reported you to several agencies who are undergoing investigations on you. You could have been fair and done the right thing. But you chose your path. No matter what happens, I rest assured knowing that I am so much of a better person than you. I will never think of you nor be haunted by you. I hope my baby girl haunts you. You took the only light we had in our dark tunnel and crushed it. That is the most hideous thing a human can do. I will make sure the world knows.
Thank you,
Stephanie
I would like to ward everyone off from shopping at Blaine Ashley LLC. I ordered two sizes of the same wedding dress from there on a thursday and paid extra for two day air. The dresses never came. After several emails requesting shipping information and a tracking number, she never sent me anything but did drain my account. To pull her heartsrings, I told her about Kaia and our wedding and that was why i needed the dresses. She said she would ship a third dress overnight. I got it and it was stained and torn. She didn't charge me for that third dress, but she used it as "proof that she sent me two dresses". Now I have no dress and am out $352. I tried to file a dispute with paypal, but they "have proof that she shipped me my order". It's so ridiculous. Anyway, please don't shop there. I have filed with the BBB and with an internet crime organization. I'm not going to dwell on it, but here is an open letter to that small little company. It's got a bit of drama to it.....
Dear shopblaineashley.com store,
I have fallen into your web and have been totally taken advantage of by you. You ripped me off of $352 for no reason other than greed. I figured I would give you a little insight about what I've been through this year to show you how evil you truly are. I was due May 19th with our first child. We thought she was healthy and fine. Day three in the hospital, she started having trouble breathing. They rushed her to rainbow babies in cleveland. She was diagnosed with hypoplastic left heart. She had open heart surgery on my birthday, June 9th. That same day, my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 non-hodgekins lymphoma and had to start chemo almost immediately. My daughter and my mother were in the fight for their lives. For 34 days, my husband and I lived at the hospital. We slept on a single couch together the entire time. After 3 arrests, several procedures and several weeks post op, my daughter looked at me, started panting and crying and passed on. There is nothing more painful in all the world as losing a child. To top it off, I'm now still facing losing my mother. The only light in the tunnel was our marriage. After spending so long in a hospital, we needed to get away. My father gave us the money to do so, because we have literally thousands of dollars in medical bills. Kaia came close to totaling 2 million at the hospital. The wedding dress I really wanted was $600, but we couldn't afford it, so, I came to blaine, found this dress and a 30% off coupon and thought I had it made. the dresses never showed up. You acknowledged it to me, knowing that paypal can't use emails as evidence and sent me the "last dress you had" which I'm guessing was yours and you took it from your closet after wearing it several times and sent it to me. You never refunded me the money for the dresses like you said you would. You used that one dress shipment as "proof that you sent me two dresses". When, if i had two dresses, I'd certainly send one back because i would never need two sizes of the same dress. Instead of doing the right thing, you chose to cheat someone. You chose to cheat someone who's had the worst year a human can have. You chose to show me exactly how careless and evil a human can be. You are the epitomy of all that is wrong with this world. I believe in love and caring. I believe in human spirit and helping others. You might think that you have won. But you have not. At the end of the day, you have to live with the guilt of knowing what you did to someone who was so not deserving of your evil. If you have zero heart and an inability to feel guilt, then I do believe in karma's ability to right what is wrong. I believe in the bible and that you get what you give, ten-fold. In the end, you may have gained $352. BUT, I believe your business will lose that times 10 in the future to teach you a lesson. I certainly will never shop there again. The thousands of people I know will never. I will make sure of that. That probably means nothing to you, but I also have reported you to several agencies who are undergoing investigations on you. You could have been fair and done the right thing. But you chose your path. No matter what happens, I rest assured knowing that I am so much of a better person than you. I will never think of you nor be haunted by you. I hope my baby girl haunts you. You took the only light we had in our dark tunnel and crushed it. That is the most hideous thing a human can do. I will make sure the world knows.
Thank you,
Stephanie
wifey
Trunk Bay lifeguard station and Eric:
I'm a wife now. yay! We had a beautiful trip the the USVI. I have to say that st. johns is one of the coolest and most amazing places in the world. As 75% national park, it is kept very pristine and clean. The beaches were amazing there, boasting fine white sand and pool-like turquoise waters. Our favorite was honeymoon beach.
After the wedding with the fabulous Anne Marie Porter, Eric surprised me with a private catamaran sail through the islands. The boat picked us up on Cinnamon Bay beach and we sailed through the BVI and several uninhabited islands of the USVI. Our captain brought us to Waterlemon Cay, where we hopped off the boat and snorkeled around the little island. We swam up onto the island and left Kaia a message in the sand.
When we swam back to the boat, he had munchies and wine and beer for us, and we watched the sunset as we sailed back to our wedding beach. Amazing. Thank you, Eric!
I got over 130 bug bites, which made me a horrid hideous pussy mess for the next several days. That's about the only negative of the trip. We visited 8 different beaches but saw dozens more from the boats or driving. Coki beach was our favorite on St Thomas. It had a real Jamaican vibe with little hut bars all along the beach and some seriously good reggae booming. We ordered buckets of red stripe, burned the hell out of our skin and snorkeled. A totally awesome experience.
Each beach was very different from the next. From Coki, where there were dozens of locals, to honeymoon, where we were about the only people there, there really was a beach for every mood. Our resort on St Thomas was really nice. We pricelined it and got it for $100 a night. The rooms start at $265/night. We were really patient when checking in and got a huge ground floor room overlooking the ocean and the pool. It was one of only 8 with a private entrance.
So, that is about it in a nutshell. We haven't posted all the pics, but I will do that soon. There is a lot of work we need to do and finish up before I can get to fun things. We spent the entire day yesterday sorting medical bills and paying some of them. It's all really confusing! Anyway, we are married, and you may now call me "urban-i-fied".
I'm a wife now. yay! We had a beautiful trip the the USVI. I have to say that st. johns is one of the coolest and most amazing places in the world. As 75% national park, it is kept very pristine and clean. The beaches were amazing there, boasting fine white sand and pool-like turquoise waters. Our favorite was honeymoon beach.
After the wedding with the fabulous Anne Marie Porter, Eric surprised me with a private catamaran sail through the islands. The boat picked us up on Cinnamon Bay beach and we sailed through the BVI and several uninhabited islands of the USVI. Our captain brought us to Waterlemon Cay, where we hopped off the boat and snorkeled around the little island. We swam up onto the island and left Kaia a message in the sand.
When we swam back to the boat, he had munchies and wine and beer for us, and we watched the sunset as we sailed back to our wedding beach. Amazing. Thank you, Eric!
I got over 130 bug bites, which made me a horrid hideous pussy mess for the next several days. That's about the only negative of the trip. We visited 8 different beaches but saw dozens more from the boats or driving. Coki beach was our favorite on St Thomas. It had a real Jamaican vibe with little hut bars all along the beach and some seriously good reggae booming. We ordered buckets of red stripe, burned the hell out of our skin and snorkeled. A totally awesome experience.
Each beach was very different from the next. From Coki, where there were dozens of locals, to honeymoon, where we were about the only people there, there really was a beach for every mood. Our resort on St Thomas was really nice. We pricelined it and got it for $100 a night. The rooms start at $265/night. We were really patient when checking in and got a huge ground floor room overlooking the ocean and the pool. It was one of only 8 with a private entrance.
So, that is about it in a nutshell. We haven't posted all the pics, but I will do that soon. There is a lot of work we need to do and finish up before I can get to fun things. We spent the entire day yesterday sorting medical bills and paying some of them. It's all really confusing! Anyway, we are married, and you may now call me "urban-i-fied".
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Surprise!
So, we've pretty much kept it a secret so far, but Eric and I have decided to tie the knot! We are heading down to the US virgin islands at 4am Monday morning. We'll be staying on St Thomas most of the time, but have a nice beachside cottage on St John's for our wedding night and the following night.
Eric found our minister, who was featured on the travel channel and does these beach weddings for a living. Her name is Anne Marie Porter. We're getting married on Cinnamon Bay on St Johns.
www.cinnamonbay.com
the rest of the time we will be here on st thomas: http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/sttfr-frenchmans-reef-and-morning-star-marriott-beach-resort/
It's insane to think that our daughter gave this opportunity to us. Both Eric and I have been off of work since she was born and have not been able to heal enough yet to go back. So, we thought we should take a nice trip while we had the time off. My Dad and stepmom made sure that we went through with our plans and gave us the best gift of all and took care of the trip for us. We couldn't have done this without them and the additional help from Eric's Grandfather and Mother. Thank you all for helping us with our expenses so that we can call each other "husband and wife". And thank you to everyone who contributed to Kaia's medical expenses. Thank you's are still being written and will be out to all of you soon. :)
Anyway, this might not be the most conventional way to tell everyone of our union. BUT, we are not conventional people. We were a very close couple before Kaia was born. And she brought us even closer. I believe that being able to share the same last name as her and the man who gave her to me will help in our healing process. We love you and thank you, baby girl. Look at all you've done. I am so proud of you.
We will share pics and video (thanks to Dad n Jack again) with everyone when we return. In the meantime, we'll work on child #2. (tmi, i know...)
kisses and hugs to you all!
love,
Steph & Eric
Eric found our minister, who was featured on the travel channel and does these beach weddings for a living. Her name is Anne Marie Porter. We're getting married on Cinnamon Bay on St Johns.
www.cinnamonbay.com
the rest of the time we will be here on st thomas: http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/sttfr-frenchmans-reef-and-morning-star-marriott-beach-resort/
It's insane to think that our daughter gave this opportunity to us. Both Eric and I have been off of work since she was born and have not been able to heal enough yet to go back. So, we thought we should take a nice trip while we had the time off. My Dad and stepmom made sure that we went through with our plans and gave us the best gift of all and took care of the trip for us. We couldn't have done this without them and the additional help from Eric's Grandfather and Mother. Thank you all for helping us with our expenses so that we can call each other "husband and wife". And thank you to everyone who contributed to Kaia's medical expenses. Thank you's are still being written and will be out to all of you soon. :)
Anyway, this might not be the most conventional way to tell everyone of our union. BUT, we are not conventional people. We were a very close couple before Kaia was born. And she brought us even closer. I believe that being able to share the same last name as her and the man who gave her to me will help in our healing process. We love you and thank you, baby girl. Look at all you've done. I am so proud of you.
We will share pics and video (thanks to Dad n Jack again) with everyone when we return. In the meantime, we'll work on child #2. (tmi, i know...)
kisses and hugs to you all!
love,
Steph & Eric
Friday, July 17, 2009
videos
Lots of videos of our little angel at youtube.com
search "kaia belle" and the first video is of her. then click on that video and the rest of them should be on the right side of that page.
here are some, but please go to youtube to see them larger and to see the whole batch. We took them on our camera, so some are very dark. I wish we would have had a real video camera on her all the time so we had more....but.....:
Before the surgery:
search "kaia belle" and the first video is of her. then click on that video and the rest of them should be on the right side of that page.
here are some, but please go to youtube to see them larger and to see the whole batch. We took them on our camera, so some are very dark. I wish we would have had a real video camera on her all the time so we had more....but.....:
Before the surgery:
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Thank you
Thank you to everyone who came to show us your support on Tuesday. I know there were a lot of people that couldn't make it, and we thank you too. It's overwhelming the numbers of people that knew and loved our baby girl. She changed so many lives and inspired so many others. We are just so so proud of her. Her 34 day life may have been short, but it was definitely not small. She was so huge. She was bigger than life. She did more with those days than most people do in a lifetime. We know she had a purpose. We know she still does have a purpose. We thank you for seeing her purpose and remembering the life lessons that she taught all of us.
I started this blog for our FAMILY....so those near and far could follow our children as they grow. Kaia was, is and will always be that first child. But she will not be the last. Please feel free to continue following the story of our family as we grow in numbers, strength and spirituality. We have been so honored to have you all be such a huge part of Kaia's existence. We hope that you will continue to follow our story, as she will always be one of the biggest parts of it.
We love you all & thank you for what you gave us. We hope the strength she showed stays with all of you, as it will for us. May your love light be a little brighter, too.
Love,
Steph, Eric & Kaia
I started this blog for our FAMILY....so those near and far could follow our children as they grow. Kaia was, is and will always be that first child. But she will not be the last. Please feel free to continue following the story of our family as we grow in numbers, strength and spirituality. We have been so honored to have you all be such a huge part of Kaia's existence. We hope that you will continue to follow our story, as she will always be one of the biggest parts of it.
We love you all & thank you for what you gave us. We hope the strength she showed stays with all of you, as it will for us. May your love light be a little brighter, too.
Love,
Steph, Eric & Kaia
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Visiting hours
Eric, Kaia and I would like to invite everyone to come meet our gorgeous little angel this coming Tuesday, July 7th from 4-7 at McGorray Hanna Funeral Home in Lakewood for visiting hours. In lieu of a funeral, we will be having a memorial service for her, after she is cremated. Details of that are still being determined. For now, we just want everyone to meet her before we send her off to God.
Kaia, our angel
After she passed...
I haven't been able to write this blog. I wanted her online story to end with the last happy day that Kaia had in her short life. I don't want to talk about her downward slide after tuesday. I will skip Wednesday and go straight to Thursday, the last day of her life. Kaia slept the entire day. Dad and I knew something was wrong. She was very lethargic and bobbed her head with every breath, a sign of labored breathing. We pointed it out to the doctors, and they upped her heart medication. Kaia went back to sleep. We had family at the hospital and went to the cafe while she was sleeping. I came back to her room in the PICU alone. She was still sleeping. I whispered "hi my pretty girl", and she immediately woke up. So, I sat next to her and stared at her and she started panting. She stared at me and wouldn't look away and was breathing really heavily. The nurse said she was just fussing. Kaia never fussed with her eyes wide open before. I knew she couldn't breath. I heard a gag and a choke and I grabbed the nurse. The nurse looked at her SATS on the screen and started pushing panic buttons. I turned around to see her heart rate drop to almost nothing. They immediately started cpr. The doctor told me they had to put the breathing tube back in and asked us to step away but to kiss her and say goodbye first. They had her stabalized, so we had no idea we were saying goodbye for good. But Kaia knew. She did not want to be on a ventilator again, and she did what she had to do to stay off of it. I kissed her little skinny arm, which was pale white from lack of profusion, and I said "I love you baby". She was looking at me the entire time. I stared at her as I backed out of the room and she never took her eyes off of me. We were escorted to, what we now know, is the death waiting room. I think she must have passed and just come with us to that room. She wanted out of there so bad.
We sat in that waiting room for so long, and I could hear the flatline alarm going off the entire time we were in there. I knew Kaia was in the waiting room with us and not in her body anymore. I kept telling Eric that she died, and he didn't believe it. I was shaking from head to toe. When we saw the surgeon coming toward us, we knew. They took us back in the room, and I held her. I held her good and strong and hard for 2 hours. I never got to hold her and walk around. I'd never gotten to put her head up on my shoulder. I did all the things I always wanted to do with her. I gave her a bath. I put her in some clothes. She had never gotten to wear any clothes her whole life. Her chyle fluid was leaking out of her abdomen, but I didn't care. It got all over me. All I wanted to do was go back to the time when she was happy....before we tortured her body....and just let her go naturally. I feel we were so selfish to keep her alive by the means that we did. We just wanted her to have a chance. We wanted her to live and love. I couldn't wait to bring her home and retrain her brain to know that people aren't bad. Kaia didn't like people much after her surgery. Anytime anyone other than her dad and I touched her, she would cry. She hated all the doctors and nurses. She knew they just hurt her over and over again. She looked to us to save her, and we couldn't. I would give anything to take her pain....to trade places. It seems so pointless to live and love and smile when she can't. But we are trying, because we need to celebrate her and not let this destroy us. She wouldn't want that.
When we got home from the hospital, we were devastated. I didn't want to sleep because I was so afraid of waking up. But we were so sleep deprived that eventually it came...for a few hours. At 9:16 in the morning, my phone started vibrating and vibrating, over and over and over. It was a constant vibration that i'd never seen before. I looked at my phone and it said "new text message" then "new voicemail" then "missed call" then "new text message"....over and over and over again. It was all the people that contacted me during the night....but they never came through until, all at once, at 9:16 in the morning, they all came through. Kaia was born at 9:16 in the morning. She knew that mommy and daddy stayed up night after night to watch over her and we needed our sleep. I believe that she held all of my phone calls, texts, etc so that we could sleep. She delivered them all at 9:16 to tell us that she did come home with us. She is here. It pisses me off that she is taking care of us after all she's been through. But she knew that mommies and daddies need taken care of too.
We are devastated. We miss her. We are angry at the hospital. We are still so in love with her. We see her face and hear her voice and still hear the hospital beeps of IVs and alarms. We question ever making her go through surgery in the first place. We just want her to be happy and healthy and thriving. Her little earth body couldn't do that for her. I pray that all who have passed before her will take care of her. Uncle Rick, please take her fishing. Great Grandma DeRubba, please make her some pasta and teach her some italian. Kay, please hold her for me. She loved to be held. Great Grandma Sue, please help raise her in love. Jim, please protect her and keep her around so we can meet up with her. She has now made me not fear death. I welcome the time when I can be with her again.
Kaia, my darling little lion bean burrito, you have taught mommy and daddy what love is. We never knew the extent of love until you. You taught us how to love each other too. You have made us better people. You have changed the people that we were, forever. Every little and big thing that you were, is in us. We promise to give you brothers and sisters. Because of you, we are a family. We owe you the world for what you gave us. I hope we can repay you, somehow.
All our oceans and oceans of love to you, my pretty girl.
Love, mommy and daddy
I haven't been able to write this blog. I wanted her online story to end with the last happy day that Kaia had in her short life. I don't want to talk about her downward slide after tuesday. I will skip Wednesday and go straight to Thursday, the last day of her life. Kaia slept the entire day. Dad and I knew something was wrong. She was very lethargic and bobbed her head with every breath, a sign of labored breathing. We pointed it out to the doctors, and they upped her heart medication. Kaia went back to sleep. We had family at the hospital and went to the cafe while she was sleeping. I came back to her room in the PICU alone. She was still sleeping. I whispered "hi my pretty girl", and she immediately woke up. So, I sat next to her and stared at her and she started panting. She stared at me and wouldn't look away and was breathing really heavily. The nurse said she was just fussing. Kaia never fussed with her eyes wide open before. I knew she couldn't breath. I heard a gag and a choke and I grabbed the nurse. The nurse looked at her SATS on the screen and started pushing panic buttons. I turned around to see her heart rate drop to almost nothing. They immediately started cpr. The doctor told me they had to put the breathing tube back in and asked us to step away but to kiss her and say goodbye first. They had her stabalized, so we had no idea we were saying goodbye for good. But Kaia knew. She did not want to be on a ventilator again, and she did what she had to do to stay off of it. I kissed her little skinny arm, which was pale white from lack of profusion, and I said "I love you baby". She was looking at me the entire time. I stared at her as I backed out of the room and she never took her eyes off of me. We were escorted to, what we now know, is the death waiting room. I think she must have passed and just come with us to that room. She wanted out of there so bad.
We sat in that waiting room for so long, and I could hear the flatline alarm going off the entire time we were in there. I knew Kaia was in the waiting room with us and not in her body anymore. I kept telling Eric that she died, and he didn't believe it. I was shaking from head to toe. When we saw the surgeon coming toward us, we knew. They took us back in the room, and I held her. I held her good and strong and hard for 2 hours. I never got to hold her and walk around. I'd never gotten to put her head up on my shoulder. I did all the things I always wanted to do with her. I gave her a bath. I put her in some clothes. She had never gotten to wear any clothes her whole life. Her chyle fluid was leaking out of her abdomen, but I didn't care. It got all over me. All I wanted to do was go back to the time when she was happy....before we tortured her body....and just let her go naturally. I feel we were so selfish to keep her alive by the means that we did. We just wanted her to have a chance. We wanted her to live and love. I couldn't wait to bring her home and retrain her brain to know that people aren't bad. Kaia didn't like people much after her surgery. Anytime anyone other than her dad and I touched her, she would cry. She hated all the doctors and nurses. She knew they just hurt her over and over again. She looked to us to save her, and we couldn't. I would give anything to take her pain....to trade places. It seems so pointless to live and love and smile when she can't. But we are trying, because we need to celebrate her and not let this destroy us. She wouldn't want that.
When we got home from the hospital, we were devastated. I didn't want to sleep because I was so afraid of waking up. But we were so sleep deprived that eventually it came...for a few hours. At 9:16 in the morning, my phone started vibrating and vibrating, over and over and over. It was a constant vibration that i'd never seen before. I looked at my phone and it said "new text message" then "new voicemail" then "missed call" then "new text message"....over and over and over again. It was all the people that contacted me during the night....but they never came through until, all at once, at 9:16 in the morning, they all came through. Kaia was born at 9:16 in the morning. She knew that mommy and daddy stayed up night after night to watch over her and we needed our sleep. I believe that she held all of my phone calls, texts, etc so that we could sleep. She delivered them all at 9:16 to tell us that she did come home with us. She is here. It pisses me off that she is taking care of us after all she's been through. But she knew that mommies and daddies need taken care of too.
We are devastated. We miss her. We are angry at the hospital. We are still so in love with her. We see her face and hear her voice and still hear the hospital beeps of IVs and alarms. We question ever making her go through surgery in the first place. We just want her to be happy and healthy and thriving. Her little earth body couldn't do that for her. I pray that all who have passed before her will take care of her. Uncle Rick, please take her fishing. Great Grandma DeRubba, please make her some pasta and teach her some italian. Kay, please hold her for me. She loved to be held. Great Grandma Sue, please help raise her in love. Jim, please protect her and keep her around so we can meet up with her. She has now made me not fear death. I welcome the time when I can be with her again.
Kaia, my darling little lion bean burrito, you have taught mommy and daddy what love is. We never knew the extent of love until you. You taught us how to love each other too. You have made us better people. You have changed the people that we were, forever. Every little and big thing that you were, is in us. We promise to give you brothers and sisters. Because of you, we are a family. We owe you the world for what you gave us. I hope we can repay you, somehow.
All our oceans and oceans of love to you, my pretty girl.
Love, mommy and daddy
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