Monday, June 22, 2009

something is wrong with the universe

I am pissed off at the world today. Hasn't the universe dealt our baby girl enough already? Yesterday, I didn't post because we had a pretty horrible day here. Kaia was throwing up all her feeds. She was fussy all day and just miserable. We stayed at the hospital till 11:45 because i just didn't feel right leaving her. Against my better judgement, I did leave. At 2:34 am, we got a phone call that Kaia had crashed. She stopped breathing and her heartrate dropped. They had to resuscitate her. It took 20 minutes to bring her back to life. She almost didn't make it. She's stable now, but is back on the breathing tube. We were supposed to get out of ICU today. Instead, we just extended our stay for God knows how long. Their best guess at this point is pneumonia. They checked her heart and the function looks good. They think she might have aspirated her feeds into her lungs and got an infection. Nothing is 100% right now....including her brain function. Since she essentially died, the oxygen wasn't getting to her brain. So, we will have to wait days to see if she suffers from any brain damage from the incident. We didn't sleep last night and are pretty destroyed. We feel like giving up. It's just been so much and so emotional. We really don't know how we are going to get through this. Our spirits are really down. It's hard to be upbeat when you see your baby lying like a vegetable in a hospital bed and back on the breathing tubes. When the hell is my chance to have a normal experience as a mother? When do i get to hold my baby whenever I want to? When can she see outside? or our house? or....anything, for that matter? Why does this keep happening where we get our hopes up and then almost lose her again and again? I hate the universe today. It's cruel and unfair. She's so tiny and has been through so much! She's gotten so much blood and shed so much too. She has bruises all over her body from them trying to fit central IV lines into her tiny veins and missing. She's got vomit all through her hair from them having to pump her stomach last night. We love her so much and I really have no idea how eric drove us here last night as we were shaking violently from head to toe, thinking she was going to die before we got here. This is NOT HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE! I just feel like swearing and throwing things!
and to top it off, my mother finds out if her cancer is stage 3 or stage 4 today.
Please pray everyone. Please pray for my family, their health, and that we keep it together when it all looks so bleak. Thank you.


  1. I'll be thinking of you & sending more good vibes your way. Wish there was more I could do. Call if you need an ear. Love you.

  2. Oh Steph! It's so not fair that you have to go through this, but Kaia is going to make it. I just know it. Keep strong Mama! You're going to have MANY years to have that normal experience of being a mother. They are coming...Kaia's little body just has to get completely ready for this great big world. Just always remember when the going gets tough that God loves you & your family very much. He only gives you what He thinks you can handle. You will be a much stronger person after living through this experience.

    My continued prayers for you, Eric, & baby Kaia
    ~~Steph M

  3. I'm so sorry, Steph. I've never stopped praying and sending love and strength. Call if you need anything. I don't blame you for being angry. I think that's a perfectly normal and healthy feeling given the circumstances. Love and peace to you, Eric and Kaia.

  4. Steph, words fail me right now. I am so utterly pissed off with you guys right now. I can not imagine what you are going through or how you are even functioning. Im praying for you all every day and night. She is a fighter and she will be okay! She came all this way! Love you guys - call me if you need to vent.
    Love Amy

  5. Thoughts and prayers from a distant acquaintance via KSU & Dhruva's Facebook page. I was a wreck with the birth my son and everything was normal with him, I can not even comprehend what going through something like this must be like. I hope your daughter gets healthy soon and things settle down for you and your family!

  6. We are all praying for you and keeping Kaia, you, Eric and your mom in our thoughts. Lean on everyone you can. Your friends, family and faith will support you when you think you can no longer stand. This is a challenge you will conquer. Much love....