nerves nerves nerves

are getting to me! i'm so nervous for her tube to come out. It's supposed to happen today. Little Kaia has so many issues, that nobody is sure if the tube is helping her or hurting her. She has congestive heart failure, and nobody knows what's causing it. Her lung keeps opening up and then recollapsing. It's collapsed again...not totally, but it is somewhat. They might have to move the second surgery up a bit to compensate for a narrowing of a vessel that is not allowing blood to flow freely. Her heart is working so fast and hard that it sometimes just slows way down and her breathing goes way up. These things could fix themselves once off the breathing tube...or they could get worse. As one doc said it today "this is where the 'art' part of medicine takes over for 'science'....because we just don't have difinitive answers". GREAT! Thanks for that pick me up, doc. I've decided to not worry about it. She is in God's hands, and there is nothing I can do to change her fate. All I can do is love her to pieces and soak in as much Kaia as I can get each day. It's kind of hard when she sleeps all day and is up all night when mommy sleeps. But...

Anyway, I really came on here (not to give an update for the day yet...we are not ready) to thank a very special couple of everyday angels. Eric ran home to feed cats and water plants and pick up mail. I was pleasantly surprised at a package. I mean, who doesn't love packages? I opened it to find a people mag (my fave!) a national enquirer (eric's new fave!) and a book of crossword puzzles (my new pastime as I'm pumping every 2.5 hours). Included in that package was a beautiful card with a generous donation that we will put in our newfound "kaia fund" (a little fund of money we're setting aside for her ever growing mound of billions and billions of hospital bills). It really is unfortunate to be dealing with this tragedy, only to be faced with endless bills coming in every day. But to see someone support us like that made me break down and cry. I was so touched. I'm not sure if those peeps want called out or not, but too bad! So, Shannon, Jenn, Becky, Brian & Kim....your thoughtfulness was a huge light in our day yesterday. I don't know how to thank you properly, other than to publicly thank you and say that I hope you get repaid tenfold. I believe in karma, and you gots some good stuff coming your way! Much love to all of you. We are blessed!

I'll be back with a tube update later....if I'm awake. We have barely slept the last few days (okay....month....but the last few days have been especially bad). So, if I'm sleeping then i'll do it asap tomorrow am!