This mother's day is a rough one. I will be celebrating it with my husband, and it feels so strange. It's almost been one year since Kaia's birth and I still cry every day. I still can't listen to certain songs. Sometimes when our baby kicks inside of me, I think of her...of stroking her hair or her soft soft skin....of her beautiful face and how she would look at me. It's so hard to let go of the guilt. We should have taken her to cleveland clinic. We should never have let those doctors and nurses touch her anymore after butchering her surgery and then never watching after her like they should have. I want to talk to a lawyer, but I don't have the strength to relive it all just yet.
I'm honored to have been given a second chance at a child. I (we) worry about how much this one will look like her, and if we'll be able to handle that emotionally. Will I be able to attach myself to him/her or will I stay distant because I don't ever want to feel that loss again? I already feel attached, and it's scary. Once you lose a child, you feel that it's so easy to lose a child and that it could happen again. I can't explain it properly.
When you're pregnant, so many people ask you if this is your first child. I know they mean well and to make conversation. I'm happy to talk about my daughter, but sometimes it's just not the right time or the right person to talk about it to. I find myself, all day, every day, telling the story of how I lost my precious girl to an ugly defect. Soon, I'm crying with a total stranger. And the conversation always ends there, with an "I'm sorry" and then a look of pity.
On this mother's day, I make a promise to myself and my family, that my children will always be the most important people in my life. I will always fight for them. I will always protect them. I will always be here for them. I will never turn my back on them or be petty with them. I will never cause unnecessary drama in their lives. I will never make myself more important than them. They will always come before all others. I will let them feel and be and do whatever it is they are called to. I will love them unconditionally, forever, with no boundaries. And I will forever be their mother, even if not all of them are here with me on earth.
Happy Mother's day to all of the great mothers out there.
Monday, May 10, 2010
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I was thinking about you yesterday. I know Mother's Day will always be a day to celebrate Kaia and her life with you and in heaven. You are a wonderful mom!
ReplyDeleteHey Steph,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I saw what you went through and I cry about it too. I feel such deep sadness knowing that you, Eric and Kaia have had to endure so much. She was a beautiful little angel and I know her spirit is as bright as the brightest, warmest light. You were the most perfect mom to her - you did everything you could and even though I read your regrets, be easy on yourself. Give yourself credit for the time, care, nurturing, sleeplessness, optimism, major decisions, pumping and the many painful situations you had to go through as a mom. You did it all and have had to go through the worst. You are always in my heart. I celebrate this sweet life inside of you, stay light in your heart whenever possible- Kaia is always there with all of her brightness.
Just reading this, I know Mother's Day was a while back. But it brought tears to my eyes, especially the last paragraph. What an amazing mother you are. Your children are eternally lucky. God bless!
ReplyDelete