Thursday, September 3, 2009


The past two days have been really hard for me. Kaia's been on my mind 100% of the time. Sometimes she goes away so I only think of her 25% of the time, but now my mind is heavy with her.

Today I went to my mom's to give her some soup. It was really nice to sit with her and talk. We haven't done that in quite some time, and I realize how much I need it. I feel closer to my daughter sometimes when I am with my mother. When I came home, I finally let go and cried and cried.

For some reason, I decided to, for the first time, go through and read this blog from beginning to the end of Kaia's life. It was joy and sadness....relived.

Here's where the weird comes in. The morning after Kaia passed, I received 6 texts at 9:16 in the morning. All were sent throughout the night but arrived all at 9:16, which was the time of Kaia's birth. I locked all of those messages so I could save them forever. I showed friends and family, so that I could prove this happened. They've been locked on my phone since that morning. Today, they are all gone. All my other locked messages are there, but those are not there. It's like they never existed. At first, I was really sad. I wanted to photograph each of them so that I always had that proof of her saying "mom, sleep tonight. i'll let you know i'm okay at 9:16 am after you've finally gotten your long deserved sleep". I just don't understand where they went or how. Or, did they ever exist? I showed the people that sent me those messages, and they said they sent them way earlier. but, where are they now? Why were only those locked ones the ones that are no longer there? Was it time for them to go and me to move on? How is that possible?

My good friend lent me a book called "hello from heaven". It's about after death communication with your lost loved ones. It has captivated me. And now, I look for signs everywhere. I might be crazy (let's face it, aren't we all?), but I know what I saw, and now they are gone. Today I discovered they were gone, and today I read a chapter that mentioned how our grief and sadness can often keep our loved one from moving on in the after life. Many times a loved one comes back and lets you know you need to let go. Maybe it's time to accept it and move on. Just maybe.
Or maybe verizon thought they should screw me again. ;)

Either way, I thought it was odd, and it kind of brought me a bit of peace. I'm sad that they are gone, but maybe I needed them to be. I saw it, it was there, and there is no reason to keep them. Proof was here, and now it's time to acknowledge it and move on. I realize my pain will never go away, but it is a selfish pain because I wanted her here. But she is in a place that is so much greater and was blessed to be allowed in so early. I know a lot of heart baby moms read this. A lot of you have lost your baby. I encourage you to pick up that book. It changes your idea of death and can open up acceptance of it. I know a lot of you don't believe in this stuff at all, and that's okay too. We all do what we believe is best. We all believe in things that are best for us. It makes us all colorful. And to us spiritual folk, it makes our auras colorful too.


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